something about my residence throws me off myself. maybe it is the downtown location, too unnatural for me to be surrounded by so many squares and concrete, lights all the time. my bedroom is never dark, too many street lights too near. since getting back here i've again been agoraphobic. in montana i had to be outside, all the time, in all weather. night and day i wandered, either alone or with a dog. i spent hours outside, free time was best spent wandering through the landscape, and work time was best spent that way too. my peace there grew. being in the cabin with so many was challenging. i escaped to a teepee a couple of nights, but then the bfc director came and i had to move back inside. it was ok. it was all ok. i need to breathe that air and drink that water again. i think i want to move there.
i haven't walked my dog in days because i can't bring myself to go outside. she's ok, but a bit anxious. i was planning on spending today in the forest but it was a day of downpour. i'm sorry i write so poorly, lacking creative zeal these days. i do think its this place, my house or my town, this is not my spot. creative has always been a struggle at this address except when i was very sad, crying for hours, or doing derivatives. i don't want to go back to that, though sometimes feeling anything is better than this frightened, lightly frightened, foggy frightened almost nothing feeling that pins me to the bed. i will walk the dog tonight. it's very difficult for me to make myself go out before 3am when i know the streets are deserted enough that i can walk/hide so that even the rare random people out don't see me. i want to go to the beach. take my dog to the beach. i wonder where the tide is.. i want this pair of shoes:
and the moon. i've again lost the phase of the moon because i don't leave my house. i finally went to the grocery store today, for the first time (in town; where i'm anonymous i don't feel as much anxiety) since coming home more than a week ago. the only time i've really been out is the first night i came home, before coming home really since i picked up my son and left again for several days within hours, when indigo and i took food out to the reservation and cooked on the beach. i feel less constricted there; i suppose because there are fewer restrictions there.
maybe with those shoes i'd want to go outside more. i doubt it, but i might. isn't that materialism. ouch. i bet you can bounce off objects and balance in them with extra ease and agility.
back to livejournal. wordpress has too many crashes, too many back stage pages whose place and function i don't understand.
no home internet, so i write in a text editor, transfer here away from home. i need to go back home and clean for tomorrow's housing inspection. avoiding that level of solidity.
from wordpad, earlier today:
wait, wait, you are not supposed to love me.
i will carry great anxiety, we had an agreement for judgment.
i will disdain you, and you will return the favor or quail with
inadequacy. stalemate or win, that is what i signed for.
if you love me, i lose. i was not worthy of your love.
i have forgotten respect.
if i am lucky,. lucky. you will envy me.
this i see all around me.
i am not fitting nicely back into all layers of my home society. people are having trouble with my energy. i am not communicating that i carry the agreements required, the money biased, valuation obligations, balance sheet of shame to have nots or arrogance of righteous haves (the left right agreement), awe and reverence for structure and order and excess; well, i've not had that energy for too long already, not enough, not long enough. i came home too happy, and some people don't like it. i had a pretty fight with a friend who does not applaud the success or joys of others, unless they are far outside her circle, so in part that matter is discounted already. unfortunately she is at times mean to those close to her, finds a cracked door and kicks it open, stomps around a bit. it was an abrupt transition. specifics miss the point. an argument with grandma about whether or not the beautiful dance happy music i heard at the world rhythm festival was music or just noise. in defense, she didn't hear it, and she grew up without drums. an argument with the social worker at the department of social and health services where i found myself loudly defending all dshs clients while she called them irresponsible, lazy, said she didn't work for me or them, and that we didn't work at all. i cried two of the three times, in public. not with grandma. she's not mean; we just have different understandings of the universe. and a couple of people have been drawn to the energy i came home with. i want to hold it, to keep it. i fear it slipping. it is better. i found it in the snow, in the wind, in new warm dirt, in fire, in smoke, in pitch, in trees, in a young wolf dog, in the eye of a young buffalo, what the earth said when i lay long on her skin where it is healthy. health is here too, in some parts in some places, almost. noise has stolen the air, but in the forest, water flows and earth is building, resting easy. it is windy today.
i have a new friend, i have two new friends, i have three new friends. one is not so much new as newly realized. she's my neighbor. i have inspection tomorrow (by fineboy i think!) so i really shouldn't, but maybe i'll ask her if she wants to go to the beach for a bit. (i have four new friends. i have six new friends, 8910:))
i just lost my myspace blog. they changed their policy, with no notice since sometime yesterday, and all my privacy settings on there have been instantly homogenized. all my information there is now either friends, or public. no private. f. if any of my old friends are here, you have to know how completely fucked this is. i can't even publish a new address without first deleting a large catologue. can my friends read the blog entries i've had marked private? i don't even know.
how do i save that writing? i printed my livejournal once. before some policy changed. does anyone know if there is a way to do that again? and, how are lj and 6aprt these days?
ed koch posed the following question:
Several commentators have raised the question of whether the right-to-life organizations and supporters of the decision of the 17-year-old daughter of Governor Palin to have her child would have rallied to the defense of Chelsea Clinton had she become pregnant while living with her parents at the White House and not yet married.
he responded to his question with:
The answer, I believe, would have been dependent on her decision - whether to abort or carry to term. If the decision were similar to that of Governor Palin's daughter, I believe supporters of the right to life would have cheered, especially if marriage would have followed. Had the decision been to abort, denunciations would have emanated from those same forces.
but, guess what! it's a stupid question. chelsea clinton would never be pregnant at 17, and had she been, we sure as hell would never have known about it. firstly, her parents no doubt made sure she had some decent sex education - i.e., what is birth control, how to have safer sex, proper use of a condom. discussion of sexuality i think would have been open enough so young chelsea wouldn't have seen sex as something taboo, dangerous, and therefore 10x more exciting, so i doubt she had as much sex at 17 as miss palin. when sex is a subject you have to learn about like science, it's much more intimidating to actually do the first few times. it's the fumble jumbles that just happen. and had she accidentally gotten pregnant way too young, her mother would have called a very private family doctor to give her a quick, respectful early abortion rather than insist she make another huge blunder by throwing an absurdly immature marriage onto the fire.
..i don't care much about this story, but i thought the following bit was funny:
"The transactions which involved the fraud were simple.. using extremely sophisticated and varied techniques," chief executive Daniel Bouton said in a letter to the bank's customers.