back to livejournal. wordpress has too many crashes, too many back stage pages whose place and function i don't understand.
no home internet, so i write in a text editor, transfer here away from home. i need to go back home and clean for tomorrow's housing inspection. avoiding that level of solidity.
from wordpad, earlier today:
wait, wait, you are not supposed to love me.
i will carry great anxiety, we had an agreement for judgment.
i will disdain you, and you will return the favor or quail with
inadequacy. stalemate or win, that is what i signed for.
if you love me, i lose. i was not worthy of your love.
i have forgotten respect.
if i am lucky,. lucky. you will envy me.
this i see all around me.
i am not fitting nicely back into all layers of my home society. people are having trouble with my energy. i am not communicating that i carry the agreements required, the money biased, valuation obligations, balance sheet of shame to have nots or arrogance of righteous haves (the left right agreement), awe and reverence for structure and order and excess; well, i've not had that energy for too long already, not enough, not long enough. i came home too happy, and some people don't like it. i had a pretty fight with a friend who does not applaud the success or joys of others, unless they are far outside her circle, so in part that matter is discounted already. unfortunately she is at times mean to those close to her, finds a cracked door and kicks it open, stomps around a bit. it was an abrupt transition. specifics miss the point. an argument with grandma about whether or not the beautiful dance happy music i heard at the world rhythm festival was music or just noise. in defense, she didn't hear it, and she grew up without drums. an argument with the social worker at the department of social and health services where i found myself loudly defending all dshs clients while she called them irresponsible, lazy, said she didn't work for me or them, and that we didn't work at all. i cried two of the three times, in public. not with grandma. she's not mean; we just have different understandings of the universe. and a couple of people have been drawn to the energy i came home with. i want to hold it, to keep it. i fear it slipping. it is better. i found it in the snow, in the wind, in new warm dirt, in fire, in smoke, in pitch, in trees, in a young wolf dog, in the eye of a young buffalo, what the earth said when i lay long on her skin where it is healthy. health is here too, in some parts in some places, almost. noise has stolen the air, but in the forest, water flows and earth is building, resting easy. it is windy today.
i have a new friend, i have two new friends, i have three new friends. one is not so much new as newly realized. she's my neighbor. i have inspection tomorrow (by fineboy i think!) so i really shouldn't, but maybe i'll ask her if she wants to go to the beach for a bit. (i have four new friends. i have six new friends, 8910:))